of teenage memories, pretty dresses and confidence

crystals: a constant personal reminder of happy times :)

Okay it's 4:16am and I've just been drifting around Ernya and chatting with all the people I've just met after returning there last week. It sure feels like home :> but dammit it's really eating into my (already almost nonexistent) study life :( Control, Marcia. A level year. F O C U S.

Yeah I really hate that word. More so since I found out I actually have a deficiency for it and every time somebody tells me to do it, I just feel like it's an insult to my entire being. Nonsense, and I know it. I've gotta stop fearing the future and holding back because I'm so terrified to go forward. I know all this procrastination is merely a cover, because I feel the guilt deep inside my gut whenever I do it. Gotta take the first step and finish all the homework I was supposed to have finished days ago. Stop wallowing in fear and self-pity. Tomorrow I will. DEFINITELY.

But yeah what really motivated me to blog (yet another thing I've been putting off on my bizarre list of everything that's possible to put off) was reading some people's blogs - of people close and people I don't know all that well. It does provide release, and also yes idk I just really want something to show for myself when I look back all those years later. And also, the fun we had today! :>

Yepyep today was ORA Jogathon at RG <3 <3 <3 but dammit I set my alarm for 5:30 and it didn't ring/I slammed it down idek. I HAVE to fix this whole lateness thing too. Somehow. But definitely. So I was startled out of a nightmare at 8:30 and immediately phoned Loo and yelled into her ear LOLOL. But thanks for asking me to 'just come' or I'd have spent another very productive morning at home berating myself for my destructive habits and rotting away on the sofa staring into the pixels of my phone screen. So anyway, I GOT TO RG!! An accomplishment in its own; so proud of myself for remembering the way there even from my new house teehee. But my phone didn't charge yesterday night and I had to look for Loo and Hen in 407, which I bloody hell couldn't remember the location of. So I had to borrow phones from 3 separate parties (Maggy, random RG girls then the HPkids - thanks Gaius ^^;) before I FINALLY found them - turns out I got E block right, but was on the 4th floor instead of the 3rd... well. At least now I remember. XD Then we just scoured the canteen and hall because I wanted to see (thanks guys for accompanying me) and left for our beloved Far East at around 10:30.

The campus really felt like home but I guess it's just not the same without all the people you know and love :( I managed to bump into Weiting, Isabelle and Xin Hwee though so I was really happy to see them!! So touched that Xin Hwee remembered and waved to me so happily even if I wasn't there for most of 2012. :') love ya juniorssss <3

But anyway, we just spent time walking the beautiful Orchard way (love RG's location SO MUCH aah: btw it's so sad they have to move soon/sometime?! why can't we just become historical like Oxbridge and all those beautiful English schools??), rolling around Far East and reliving under-escalator hoboing teehee. :> DURIAN PANCAKES FRIED MARS BALLS heck my diet la. Sadly the fried rice wasn't half as good as it was when we were still in RG :( oh well. Some things are brighter as memories. Qing came to join us soon after that and gave me a hell of a scare; she literally just appeared behind me HOW DO YOU EVEN \o/ but anyway we were deciding where to go next and Loo said she felt quite sian and I didn't know why yet so I just moped a little like a spoiled kid because I wanted to go clothes shopping. + I need to find a dress for my cousin's wedding (good job me I don't even remember his name #bigfamilyproblems). She agreed in the end, even after I realised my insensitivity. I'm so sorry Loo :( but thank you and I hope it cheered you up a little/lot!

And aaah we basically flitted around the Far East shops like we never did when we were in RG because I never cared about what I wore then?? Amazing how much DS changed me and gave me slightly more confidence haha. Love and miss you guys. <3 And also, I'm so thankful for friends like Qing, Hen and Loo who'll support me and not laugh when I say I wanna try on dresses. And say I'm pretty and I look good in stuff. Really? Okay I'm not sure if you're just being nice but :> you really make me happy. And hen you look hot in figure-hugging dresses!!! ESP BLACK AND RED K I MEAN IT. Loo stop being insecure about your fats and let's exercise together la. + you should just try on stuff you like. Wanting to improve your body =/= hating what it is now! Qing this is directed at you too 'kay.

note to self: go back and buy the retro teacher outfit teehee. LOVE that skirt and that sleeveless top and if I lose some more weight it'll look perfect :3

I should really take my own advice too. Constant reminder to self. + be more resilient about wanting to get in shape!!! OR I WILL PLATEAU D: fuck the (imaginary?) judgment I think I'm gonna get. The school gym's there for us to use so why not???

Had to leave for Mendaki later at 1 but can I just say that was super fun and I miss old times and y'all really make me feel like I can be me and can we do this againnnn :>

Mendaki was surprisingly interesting today; back to admin work again but had nice chats with two teachers I never got the names of until today: Sufian and Rudi (shit did I spell them correctly?) and learnt more about adult clubbing habits, love and the ugly truth of MOE. Eye-opening to say the least.

Yeah it's 4:45 already and I'd better sleep or abandon all thoughts of a morning run later. Good-night world, and thank you for the little blessings in my life each day. I'm really not at all eloquent or gifted with a magic pen like Loo or Em are (I LOVE your blogs okay yes /embarrassingfangirl) BUT! I really love my friends and family and tomorrow is MOTHER'S DAY yes I must remember to make a card.

No wonder I fail at all my essays for structure. eue;;

TOMORROW WILL BE A HAPPY DAY OF PRODUCTIVITY, GOOD VIBES, GOOD FOOD AND POLAROIDS. YEY. :>

Saturday, May 10, 2014

petrichor and non-sexual voyeurism

petrichor: the pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a dry spell

hey everyone I've been wanting to make a blog for AGES after my last proper written blog in... sec 2? sec 3? no idea maaan it's been so long. but keeping a blog really helps me keep track of my feelings and life and makes me happier, idk it's kinda strange. and also I hope it helps you know me better, if that's your concern at all. anyway I hope you'll enjoy your visits here; maybe it'll even become a sort of sanctuary for you as it is for me. I mean who knows?

I've always found a kind of indescribable pleasure from watching people live their lives-- ugh the logoleptic in me cries for lack of a word to describe this. I'd call it voyeurism without the sexual connotation, but someone please educate me if you know better! anyway, that leads me to yesterday's magic lunch hour. I was just wandering around Square 2 at Novena after leaving my tuition kid's house, excited to dig my teeth into my favourite faux-goose onigiri from QQ Rice. yay riceballs are AWESOME okay I can't even say how amazing they are I'd take one over any burger any day. in fact they're like Asian burgers 8) it's just a complete meal rolled up into a fist, and the taste is just-- umami. yepyep and when I find a good vegetarian one I could cry rainbow tears I LOVE YOU QQ RICE.

back to the main story; I mean I love all those little mall food kiosks because it's where you can get the cheapest eats, but the biggest downer is no seats. just when I'm gonna rip the plastic open, lo and behold! I see this nice little seating area between Square 2 and Velocity. SCOOORE!! there're a few people there already, which means I also get to engage in my favourite pastime-- people-watching. what a treat :>

"excuse me is there anyone sitting here?" I motion to the auntie sitting on a bench and she smiles and says nope, please sit and I sit happily I LOVE nice people!! and wow 30 seconds later she hands me her pepsi and asks 'want a drink?' and I'm really thirsty so I say 'gosh yes!' and she tells me how she was telling her friend how she didn't wanna waste the rest of her drink so she hopes someone will come along whom she can offer it to. she even inverts the straw for me before she leaves WHAT AN AWESOME LADY <3 yeah I'm definitely in luck today. pffft while I was drinking I had all those thoughts of Ma telling me 'later you catch STDs drinking from strangers' saliva' but idc I mean what are the chances?! YOLO. yes I'm stupidly reckless over anything, even the small things hahaha.

so opposite me there's this other lady who's talking on the phone VERY animatedly. yelling even. she's really angry in a funny auntie way about Deepa and this other person whom she 'really buay tahan!!!' 'my goodness!!!' and she's telling her friend this and that and how she's getting pushed around by this horrible person and she's so funny I laugh to myself. but I make sure she doesn't see it. don't want her getting any wrong ideas. well I don't think I was laughing at her misery. just glad for her and how she can let things out angrily but not too affected-ly, y'know? and amazing she's got someone she can be so open to. and how she doesn't give two hoots about telling the whole world about this terrible person at the top of her voice HAHAHA.

then to my right there's this chinese/korean couple and the guy's got curly hair and he's wearing john lennon glasses and the girl's reading from this folder of notes and he's just silently watching her. and they look picture-perfect. geesh darn I really love that kind of couple who just enjoy each other's presence without being too 'OH LOOK WE'RE A FECKIN COUPLE LOOOOK'. but then again I guess different people have different ways of expressing love. wonder what mine will be like when it happens? if it happens. hm no that's a depressing topic let's move away from that ha ha.

then there's this guy wearing a restaurant uniform on the bench beside the animated auntie who's just chillin' and oblivious to what's going on around him; he's got a phone in his hands and he's plugged in and I'm guessing he's watching some drama. he's munching away at his rice and this is probably a nice hour of solitude and relaxation in his hectic workday.

at the entrance of Square 2 there's this old uncle who's trembling as he hands out flyers shakily with one hand, head turned toward his friend who stops a while to chat with him. I imagine he's complaining about how terrible his job is and how nobody takes his flyers, but then again he could have been talking about his trip to Rome last week. who knows. his friend leaves and he keeps handing out flyers shakily. only one in every twenty or so takes one. I guess it's good because I personally don't take flyers unless I want them because they're such a waste of paper. but I feel sorry for him. how do you decide between making a person's job easier and saving the environment?

then this indian lady comes hobbling in with a plastic bag in hand, plonking herself down nonchalantly right beside the auntie who's still quibbling away. for a moment she leans back and stares into blankness like she's glad to finally have a seat. then she reaches into her bag and pulls out a baguette, tearing off a chunk and biting into it. as she chews she seems to ruminate. maybe she's like me, sometimes preferring to lose herself in thoughts than live in the now.

DING one-fifteen pm. time to leave for mendaki. that hour was enough to keep me fueled for the rest of the day! :D

so back to today and petrichor. I was so thrilled when it rained at 5pm that I took a photo and insta'ed it and set it as my wallpaper. next to snow, I think rain is my favourite weather!! it smells so good too aaah I could just lie in bed and close my eyes and inhale until my lungs expand. yeah I enjoy taking things in so much. I guess that's the allure of smoking stuff. better not overdo it. okay better stop talking about smoking or horse will eat my neck. she's always worrying about people too much, that silly girl :') but I'm ever-thankful for all my friends. you all have a special place in my heart alright.

and if you ever read this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHLOÉ!! yeah everything else is in WA/my secret present hehehe no need to announce it :P

alright on a terrible note I did no work today but at least I made this blog. and recorded down the happy part of today and yesterday. whee!!

you see, blogging really helps me. I was so convinced yesterday was a terrible day because I overslept on the way to mendaki and ended up being half an hour late even if I left early. but now I see how lucky I actually am :) I mean, a free drink?!

okay byeee until next time xoxo wink wink

MARCIA!

Sunday, March 16, 2014